Basement Conversations

Call to the darkness long enough, and it will answer.

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Teddy was bouncing his leg up and down nervously as he sat on an overly soft brown couch in a tiny, overly warm room.

He looked at the woman across from him. She was small, with soft honey brown eyes, and a nice round face. She smiled at him.

“You seem a little nervous,” she said.

Teddy cleared his throat. “Yeah, well. No. I’m not nervous per se. I’m just a little lost.”

The woman’s eyebrows raised. “A little lost?” she asked.

“Yeah, well, I don’t really know what to do here.” He waved his arms around, pointing at the small room. It had little paintings of riverbeds and flowers with words like Just Breathe and Let Go.

She smiled and explained, “Well, it could be a little awkward at first. Talking to a therapist can make people feel uneasy, but with time they get to know each other better and begin feeling more comfortable.”

He nodded, swallowing, and looked at the golden cross above her left shoulder. It shone a little as sunlight filtered in through the basement window. He turned to look outside and could see people walking calmly back and forth.

He looked back at the poster labeled Just Breathe and took a deep breath through his nose, noticing the pungent, warm smell of mildew.

He looked above her and saw a large mirror. In it, he could see the room and the back of his head reflected back at him. Sitting up straight, he looked behind him and saw another mirror hung on the wall, which now reflected his surprised face.

The woman waited patiently while Teddy gathered himself and asked, “Can you tell me a little bit about what brought you here?”

Rubbing his sweaty palms on his jeans, he said, “Well… I’m not sure, really. I don’t know. I just thinking, you know, I just needed some fun in life. Or like… I can’t feel joy. I don’t know why. I’m just not… happy, you know.”

Just then, he heard a woman’s laughter from outside the window.

“I see,” she replied. “And how long has this been happening?”

He could see the empathy in the woman’s eyes as she scrunched her face slightly. He looked away, unable to speak as his throat tightened.

He shifted his gaze from her to the opposite wall, studying what looked like a ladder with blankets hung over it.

“Well, it’s been… you know, like since my wife had our second daughter. It’s just been kind of stale. Or, not stale. It’s just work, dad duties, and chores. I can’t even get excited about UFC matches or taking my girls to soccer. It’s all just very brown.”

He looked at the blankets hanging in various shades of brown.

“Uh-huh,” she said. “Is there anything that brings you joy?”

The laughing outside the window grew louder; he could hear children now. It made him turn to the other side of the room, trying to catch sight of the kids’ feet outside, but he couldn’t see anyone moving around.

“Well, there is one thing, but it’s not really joy. I think I’m just trying to scare myself so I can feel something, you know?”

Under the window sat a lamp and an old wooden table stacked with magazines wrapped in brown construction paper.

“Oh? And what are you doing to make yourself scared? Is it harmful?”

“Huh?” He looked back at her. She seemed closer now… or maybe bigger. He thought it was just that the mirror was no longer reflecting the sunlight into the room.

“Oh, no,” he said quickly. “It’s nothing like that. It’s pretty fucking stupid, but I used to be scared of the dark as a kid. Now I leave the closet door open and just… look into the darkness when I lie down to go to bed.”

“Hmm,” the woman said, jotting something down in her notebook. “Does your wife sleep with you?”

“Yeah.”

“And does she say anything about this?”

“Oh, no. She’s tired. Once her head hits the pillow, she’s out. I might as well not even be lying next to her.” Teddy huffed a laugh.

“You sound a little resentful,” the woman said sympathetically.

Light from the window now shone above her head, just beneath the cross on the red brick wall.

“I mean, I get it. We’re both tired. But yeah… we’re just both tired.”

Teddy couldn’t think of the last time they cuddled, much less had sex. He pictured the last time he was over her while she cried out his name.

He could hear her soft moans turning into louder calls as he picked up his pace. The sounds of her calling out his name seemed to echo strangely in his mind.

Shaking his head, he said, “No, yeah. I don’t blame her or anything. And she doesn’t notice when I do it.”

He looked up at the mirror, noticing that the reflection of the cross made it look as though it was above his shoulder. He pinched his eyebrows in confusion.

“So take me through this fear you’re putting into your body. You leave the closet open and just look?”

“Well, it’s that. But I also kind of zone out into the darkness. Like I stare it down.”

“It?” she asked.

“Yeah.” Teddy’s cheeks grew hot. “I mean, there’s nothing there. But I can’t see anything, and I just look into the darkness and kind of dare something to look back.”

Teddy jumped as he heard banging on the long, thin rectangular window above him. He saw bare feet running down the sidewalk.

“Go on,” she probed gently.

He looked back at her. The light sat directly over her eyes making them look darker, but she remained unblinking.

He couldn’t look at her too long, so he traced the outlines of the brick walls around him.

“Yeah, so I just focus on the dark closet and breathe. I used to be so scared of the dark as a kid, always had a nightlight. So, I get this kick now from staring into the dark, waiting for something to take form. Or for something to look back at me.”

Looking back at the mirror, it seemed darker, more narrow without the sunlight.

“Interesting,” she said calmly. “And the feeling you get when you’re looking into the darkness, can you describe it?”

His eyes shot back to her, focusing on her dark eyes.

“Well, it feels good. Like I get butterflies in my stomach. I look forward to it.”

“So, you like it?” she asked smiling.

“Yeah. I find myself wanting it to get dark so we can go to bed, and I can keep looking into the dark.”

Teddy rubbed his hands together and felt a sharp sting.

Looking down, he saw little crescent moons imprinted on his hands. They looked red and fresh, scattered across his forearms.

He could see scratches that started at his forearm and dragged down to his hands. He tried thinking back to the construction site he was working on that day. A stray nail maybe?

His daughter’s giggles “Daddy, stop” came to his mind then.

“And how long do these episodes last?” the woman asked, pulling his attention back to her.

She felt closer now. Almost knee to knee.

The light narrowed on her face, highlighting her eyes alone and making them pitch black. The rest of the room seemed to fade away.

“Well, it used to be an hour. Or just a few minutes until I fell asleep. But lately…” He felt his body relax as she nodded slowly. “This past week, I’ve laid down and looked into the closet, into the darkness, and I don’t think I’ve fallen asleep at all. I just hear the alarm, and my eyes are already open.”

He began to see red shining on the woman’s face. Little spots of red dotted the golden light filtering into the room. It seemed to spread, swallowing more and more of the dark golden light.

“And?” came a sharp, raspy voice.

He wanted to look at the window to see what was happening outside but looked up instead at the mirror and noticed it was almost completely black now, only barely able to make out the back of his head.

“And I just haven’t gotten any sleep these past couple days. I just keep looking into the darkness.”

The burning on his hands made him look down at them, now covered in tiny, bloody scratches.

He heard pounding on the window, sound of small fists banging against glass.

“I often see clients get so transfixed on what’s ahead of them that they miss what’s around them.”

He looked at the woman.

The corners of her lips curled into spirals as she smiled, her eyes becoming inky black now.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“Well, the thing with darkness is that it wants to catch your attention. It wants to keep you still long enough…”

She stopped.

“Long enough for what?” Teddy asked.

He heard his wife’s voice… her moans of pleasure twisting slowly, begging him to stop. The screams rattled in his ears. Causing him to flinch.

He rubbed his ear against his wet shoulder.

“Well, long enough so that you don’t notice.”

Teddy stopped rubbing his ear when he saw his white shirt covered in red wet stains.

“Don’t notice what?” he asked.

Looking up he noticed little bloody handprints streaking across the basement window.

“Well, you were so transfixed on the darkness in front of you that you never noticed when the darkness came up behind you.”

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